But it always backfires because she doesn't have anything in common with them. When I offer suggestions on how to handle things, she just tells me I don't understand which is true as I don't recall girls being so cruel. She is a senior at an all-girl's high school, and I really want to help her have a good year.
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What can I do? I wish I could be invisible and see what's really going on. It's going to be a long year if things don't improve. Dear Sara, Female friendships tend to be filled with complexity and drama during childhood and the teen years because girls are growing, constantly changing, and learning about themselves. Subsequently, it's not uncommon for friendships to develop quickly and be short lived. For example, a friendship may be based upon sharing a class or activity together and when that class or activity ends, so does the friendship. Over time, your daughter will realize she has a great deal to offer as a person and will become more confident and, in turn, choose friends and with whom she feels more equal and with whom she has more in common.
While your daughter seems skilled in making friends, she may need to learn to temper her tendency to be bossy and opinionated if she wants to keep them. Receiving an anonymous "hate letter" has to be unsettling but it provides an opportunity for you both to talk about the topic of friendship.
You can ask your daughter what she thinks makes a good friend and talk about it. This will accomplish two things: She will begin thinking about the kind of friends she wants to have and if she has been a good friend in the past. It may take awhile, but I expect she will start to evaluate her own behaviors with her friends and adjust her actions accordingly.
It sounds as if you and your daughter already talk to each other, which is wonderful and so important. Teens are struggling to become independent so they usually resent being lectured to by adults even if you are providing well-intended advice. To keep the lines of communication open, resist the temptation to tell her exactly what to do or whom she should befriend. Instead, listen to what she has to say, reflect her feelings back to her, and offer examples of situations that happened to you or someone you know "I have a friend whose daughter is in high school and she got into a fight with a friend.
Her daughter felt Figuring out how to resolve the friendship problems she's having now on her own, with your support and guidance, is part of growing up.
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If you talk to your own friends who have daughters the same age, I think you will find they have similar stories to tell. It sounds as if you really are connected to her daughter and want the best for her. Remind her and yourself that she will be out in the bigger world soon and high school is a narrow and, at times, difficult slice of life. Can this teen friendship be saved?
Follow The Friendship Doctor on Twitter. My teen daughter complained she has no friends and was very sad. She is hung up on her "best" friend who had made some new friends and now doing everything with them and not her. But there are other kids who I know would do things with my daughter but she doesn't want to do things with them. Some of whom she used to be pretty close to at one point. Did she out grow them? Is she wanting to be friends with kids out of her league? I just don't understand it and I don't know how to make her understand that she doesn't have to have only one friend.
She should cast a wide variety of circle, from school, from neighborhood, from church, from sports, etc.
Navigating the rocky road of girls’ friendships
But she just refuses. And then she is so sad! I am out of wits on this one. Do you have any suggestion?
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You're a very smart girl. Expressing your disapproval over your daughter's choices, on the other hand, may only serve to alienate her -- and we all know no mother wants that. I know my mom trusts me to do the right things and make the right choices. Even if my mom doesn't fully approve of one of my friends, she lets me still at least be friends with the person for a while.
I think she wants me to realize for myself if the people around me are good friends and good influences. I appreciate that she lets me learn from my own mistakes instead of her making my decisions for me. If you read the first Ask Elizabeth column, you already know that the number-one thing that girls want you to know about how to create open dialogue with them is to come to them from a place of love, respect and acceptance.
And that's especially true when we're dealing with a tricky situation like you not loving someone that they are hanging out with. For teen girls, their friends are their entire universe, and how you approach or question their choices about their friends can either open up a deeper dialogue between you or cause them to shut down completely. I get how hard it must be not to want to yell, " This person isn't worthy of you!
But this kind of absolute approach almost always backfires.
I remember one story that a mom shared during a workshop that broke my heart. She and her daughter had always been very close -- that is, until her daughter's boyfriend Dan came into the picture. This mom explained how she felt that Dan wasn't good enough for her daughter and that he didn't treat her daughter with respect. Hoping to discourage the relationship, she imposed a new rule that Dan wasn't allowed to come into their home. While she clearly wanted to protect her daughter, setting that hard boundary drove a huge wedge between her and her girl.
Her daughter was still seeing Dan outside her home, so it didn't actually serve anyone. The worst part was that all of this happened just months before her daughter was leaving for college, which meant that her last months living at home were filled with tension and stress. Don't get me wrong: I'm definitely not saying you should give your daughter free rein to hang out with whomever she wants! She needs you to guide her toward making good decisions, and you'll know in your heart what is right for your specific situation. What we're talking about here is how you approach this.
Girls consistently say that when their moms speak to them from their heart in a respectful way that doesn't make them feel ashamed or threatened or powerless, like they are being commanded without explanation , they're much more likely to hear you and really take it in. And they're also less likely to shut you out. I made friends with this one girl two years ago who my parents couldn't stand.
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After several months of my new friend coming over and hanging out a lot, my mom came to my room one night and very calmly brought to my attention the reasons she and my dad didn't want her to hang out with me. My mom came at the conversation form such a place of concern, and was so free of judgment, that we were able to talk about it honestly without me feeling defensive. A great Ask Elizabeth tool I want to share with you, which we talk about a lot in workshops, is that being specific rather than general about what's concerning or bothering you can make huge difference.
When girls are having trouble getting through to their moms, we practice changing the familiar, "You never let me do anything! So from your end, it might be worth trying to get really exact about your concerns, so your daughter understands the "why" behind what you're saying.
If it's the fact that you're worried that this friend is a bad influence, explain that to her -- and tell her why. As bestselling author and psychologist Dr.
Gail Saltz suggests:. Stay away from saying things like, "I don't like her" and instead try, "I am concerned that what she is doing is dangerous and would not want you to do any of those things. She may appear not to listen at times, but she is absorbing the value system you are teaching her, as long as you communicate it clearly. I love this creative tip, which year-old Olivia shared with us, as a way her mom helped their relationship when Olivia was enmeshed in a not-so-healthy friendship:.source link
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My mom voiced how she was feeling when she didn't like one of my friends, not by controlling my life or preventing me from seeing my friend, but by always offering other things to do in place of seeing her. She wanted me to regain touch with lost friends and make as many new ones as I possibly could.
Here's another angle on this. If your daughter's friend or boyfriend is involved in drugs or other damaging behavior, Dr.
My daughter's special friend
Saltz suggests trying to direct your daughter toward being true to her own moral compass. She adds, "You might even speak to her about this friend or boyfriend needing some help, and that your daughter could be a positive influence. My best friend of many years got involved with drugs and alcohol when we were in high school. After watching me take care of this friend time and time again, my mother sat down and told me that she didn't mind the fact that I was helping a friend in need, she just didn't want me to change who I am as a result of my involvement.
She told me that she was proud of me for standing by my friend, and encouraged me to come to her if I had any questions about how to handle her antics, or approach the possibility of seeking help for her or support for myself. I realized then that my mom was just trying to advise me and was initially reticent of me helping because she didn't want me to get beaten down in the process.
Having said all this, of course, if your mom-radar is blinking Code Red and you sense that your girl is in emotional or physical danger, even the girls agree that it's time for you to step in.
Suzanne Bonfiglio Bauman offers this smart advice on what to do if you find yourself in this kind of difficult position:. If your daughter's friend truly does have the potential to harm your daughter or to influence her in a way that you feel is inappropriate or unhealthy, then by all means, discuss your concerns with her and if the situation calls for it, limit her interactions with this person. Just as teens yearn for independence and approval, they also absolutely rely on adults to construct limits and boundaries to keep them safe.
Share with her that you have listened to her, observed her and her friend, and spent time thinking carefully about the situation.