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But they could. And let me get this straight. You write: "Even when arousal is jacked up by Viagra or the new products purporting to enhance women's desire, your libido - desire for the person you're with - remains diminished. I be go differ again. Desire is something very primal. It is not necessarily relationship dependent. We've all heard of the couples where everything is going south and sex is great. And we've all seen the couples -- many more of these, for sure -- where everything is pretty much rocking, and the sex is a flipping disaster area.

Plus, desire has a ton to do with attractiveness. I love what LoPiccolo and Friedman wrote , p. If a person simply does not find his or her spouse sexually attractive, low sex drive is hardly a surprising result. Harsh, yes. Not much that can be done about that in the therapy room. But kinda incontrovertible, no? Well, yes But I wasn't writing about those who maintain strong sexual connection! Rather, those who don't feel desire because of how their declining relationship has impacted their sexual feelings.

The latter is actually a healthier response, because it is more integrated. Also, perhaps I wasn't as clear as I had intended, about one's emotional response -- didn't mean "disregard it for what it is.

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Hard to practice, but part of building greater maturity and ultimately, positive connection as separate but joined partners. In the interest of accuracy, there's a word typo in the sentences I quoted in the entry just above. If a person simply does not find his or her spouse physically attractive, low sex drive is hardly a surprising result. I think this would work for a high conflict couple, those who both want in but have difficult communication patterns that are sinking the relationship.


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This method works for addicts -- face it, they have to rewrite their thinking and perceptions in order to live more happily. There's some degree of not accepting intolerable behavior and there's a point where we need to live among the human race. I like this approach. These are great ideas, and I wish more people practiced them as a whole in every conversation they had. I don't see it as letting your feeling fall by the way side, as some commenters seem to suggest. There is a happy medium between feeling what you do and blaming others for it, and taking responsibility for your emotional responses as your own.

As my Ethics teacher said many years ago, no one makes you feel anything, and you should never say such to a person. It delievers knowledge without placing blame. I think overall this takes two types of intelligences that sadly, not a lot of people have or have worked on developing, especially late in life, as the article presents in the examples I. Intrapersonal, being able to look towards yourself and recognizing your feelings and reasons for doing things, and interpersonal, being able to look and understand the feelings and reasons other people are doing things.

Some people have such intelligences and I don't think the idea of this article would be hard to achieve, but for those that don't have such intelligences, I see this as being very difficult. And it sometimes is even hard if you have interpersonal, if your partner doesn't have intrapersonal.

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Especially if you have been married a long time. After constant years of hearing "That's not what I was thinking, but I don't know what I was thinking" it tends to wear down on your abilities, at least from my experience. As far as the notion of learning these ways of behavior early on, I would love to see this taught in schools early on.

I think it would definitely help not only our romantic relationships, but relationships with our bosses, our neighbors, our parents, etc. In a world where so much blame is being placed, these would be much welcomed improvements, at least by me. But sadly, most people are ruled by their egoself and don't like to take any sort of responsibility. I don't know that I'd want to count on indifference to rebuild my relationship.

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It would seem to go against the common wisdom that the best relationships are based on strong and consistent communication. Indifference would seem to undermine that tenet. Instead, I would urge people to have the conversation described in a brief e-book called "I Have One Question. I was skeptical at first, but after reading the book I'm convinced he's right.

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And the conversation he describes and suggests a couple have with each other would seem to me a much better strategy for rebuilding a relationship than indifference. Check it out at www. If this were the case, all the anti-bullying work we're doing in our public schools now would be useless.

When Your Normal Is Upset: Living Secure in Uncertain Times

But the fact is, certain certain behaviors, attitudes, and approaches are designed to push emotional buttons in others, and in fact push those buttons on a deep and visceral level. And while it's true in marriages, I suppose, that one need not react with resentment when your husband habitually leaves wet towels in the middle of the bed, or comes home drunk at a. Some clarification -- what I wrote described "indifference" with respect to you own internal reactions; i. It means disengaging from those internal responses. But it doesn't mean "squelching" your emotional reaction.

Perhaps I didn't communicate what I meant clearly enough. Observing, containing, and not being pulled by what is triggered inside of you is not the same as repressing or "recasting" your feelings. That's what makes the practice hard - yet it's a part of evolving more fully as a human being. I think you misunderstood what that person was trying to say, at least how I'm understanding it.

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It's one thing to use a word that in it's very definition is negative. It's another thing to let someone's words affect you in such a way that you think it gives you the right to behave in a certain way in return. Much like the author is saying, you can feel hurt by someone's words, but you don't have to react on those feelings and start a fight, or keep one going. It's being mature enough to recognize those feelings, and take your own responsibility for them, and decide what needs to be done.

Obviously your relationship with someone who has no other purpose in your life except to bully you, is going to be different than someone you are married to or a friend of. And either way, you can be a bigger person to just let it go, they teach that very thing in schools as well. Well what is "love" anyway other than what we individually feel as stimulation? If our partners do not stimulate us then we don't feel we "love" them. Of course this makes "love" all about "Me". All love is conditional. If it isn't then everything and nothing is love regardless of whatever the stimulus.

From the headlines, I thought the article was going to be about taking time apart or acting "cooler" towards the partner, that kind of indifference. Like "playing hard to get". Making the other person less certain of your constancy and attention for a while, to build up the partner's stress, hormones, achievement-orientation, need for uncertainty-resolution and all that.


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